The marriage between Von Elphberg and Alexander IV (Deniz) was going to go off without a hitch. Alexei Janiszewski was to be the Maid of Honour, and Emrys Lawton to be Ring-Bearer, and the wedding train carried by three carnivorous black doves. However, tragedy, as always, must strike.
The day began as any other did, sun shining, birds singing, James Klaassen-White scamming, when, unbeknownst to the happy couple, several unsavoury chaps appeared at the ceremony,and began to blend into the crowd, waiting....to STRIKE! There was Richard Murdoch, the most evil man this side of Islamabad. There was the MAR, King of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdom's and Protector of the Realm, and The Undead Swiss Squirrel Horde, along with The VT of Webb. As the music began to play, and Cathy began to walk down the aisle to her heartthrob, suddenly a commotion drew all eyes to the back of the room, with VT Webb challenging Yaroslav "The Butcher of Yemen" Mar to a duel. This was always going to be one sided. As VT charged at Yarobae, his Russian Uppercut was on target and as lethal as always. VT's head came clean off his body, and as Richard jotted down notes and snapped photos for his newspapers, VT Webb fell to the ground, dead. As Cathy cried for the loss of her lover, Yaroslav marched over to Alexander IV and said, in his thick, dreamy, Russian drawl "You're mine like Crimea is Russian." and they embraced, leaving Cathy behind them, crying over VT and vowing revenge!
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Yes, my dear readers. This shall be the big one. The tears. The plots. The heartbreak. and the murder....
This story starts like any other our prestigious paper has covered, with a wedding for a Von Elphberg. It was to be the marriage of the century, Cathy was to marry Deniz Tezcan, but as to why, that will be explained later on.... Let us begin at the beginning, and the murder of a great man. The year was 1066. William had claimed the throne, and Mr Von Elphberg was travelling through Europe when he was set upon in modern day Switzerland by an army of squirrels. As he evaporated, his young child, swore revenge on the squirrel armies of Switzerland. Throughout the centuries, these two formidable foes have clashed, Von Elphberg against the undead squirrel hordes of the Swiss. The Swiss have vowed to extinguish the line of Von Elphberg, but as they learned throughout the years, the line of Von Elphberg would not be so easily broken. Now, dear readers, we come to the modern conflict, and the stalemate, of sorts. The undead Swiss hordes are largely underground, and the Von Elphberg's are thousands of miles away from Switzerland, yet forces move against them even now. Recently, with the love affair of the Von Elphberg heir and Mr Yarobae Mar, considered the hunkiest Micro-nationalist of all time, and the most desirable man of all time, ending badly, it was rumoured Mr Mar was seeking to marry Mr Tezcan. To prevent this, and to spare the hearts of every single person on the planet, Mr Tezcan and Cathy Von Elphberg agreed to marry one another. Yet this happy union should and could not last, as several forces moved to crush this joy. You heard that right dear readers, the Collier himself, the man, the myth, the legend, is not only a trainer of Swiss agents of death, but he is also the fury of the furries.
He sleeps with his squirrels and uses them to protect him in the night, he dresses a them too for training drills and he is always furious with those who would oppose Swiss expansion within the world. I call on all good people to march, topple the Swiss demon and then DECLARE WAR ON SWITZERLAND. That is all. You read it here first. Richard Hytholoday, calls everyone a spastic. EVERYONE. YOU ARE A SPASTIC.
Also, Richard Murdoch has now acquired ALL Sorrenian news outlets. |
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