The marriage between Von Elphberg and Alexander IV (Deniz) was going to go off without a hitch. Alexei Janiszewski was to be the Maid of Honour, and Emrys Lawton to be Ring-Bearer, and the wedding train carried by three carnivorous black doves. However, tragedy, as always, must strike.
The day began as any other did, sun shining, birds singing, James Klaassen-White scamming, when, unbeknownst to the happy couple, several unsavoury chaps appeared at the ceremony,and began to blend into the crowd, waiting....to STRIKE! There was Richard Murdoch, the most evil man this side of Islamabad. There was the MAR, King of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdom's and Protector of the Realm, and The Undead Swiss Squirrel Horde, along with The VT of Webb. As the music began to play, and Cathy began to walk down the aisle to her heartthrob, suddenly a commotion drew all eyes to the back of the room, with VT Webb challenging Yaroslav "The Butcher of Yemen" Mar to a duel. This was always going to be one sided. As VT charged at Yarobae, his Russian Uppercut was on target and as lethal as always. VT's head came clean off his body, and as Richard jotted down notes and snapped photos for his newspapers, VT Webb fell to the ground, dead. As Cathy cried for the loss of her lover, Yaroslav marched over to Alexander IV and said, in his thick, dreamy, Russian drawl "You're mine like Crimea is Russian." and they embraced, leaving Cathy behind them, crying over VT and vowing revenge!
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Yes, my dear readers. This shall be the big one. The tears. The plots. The heartbreak. and the murder....
This story starts like any other our prestigious paper has covered, with a wedding for a Von Elphberg. It was to be the marriage of the century, Cathy was to marry Deniz Tezcan, but as to why, that will be explained later on.... Let us begin at the beginning, and the murder of a great man. The year was 1066. William had claimed the throne, and Mr Von Elphberg was travelling through Europe when he was set upon in modern day Switzerland by an army of squirrels. As he evaporated, his young child, swore revenge on the squirrel armies of Switzerland. Throughout the centuries, these two formidable foes have clashed, Von Elphberg against the undead squirrel hordes of the Swiss. The Swiss have vowed to extinguish the line of Von Elphberg, but as they learned throughout the years, the line of Von Elphberg would not be so easily broken. Now, dear readers, we come to the modern conflict, and the stalemate, of sorts. The undead Swiss hordes are largely underground, and the Von Elphberg's are thousands of miles away from Switzerland, yet forces move against them even now. Recently, with the love affair of the Von Elphberg heir and Mr Yarobae Mar, considered the hunkiest Micro-nationalist of all time, and the most desirable man of all time, ending badly, it was rumoured Mr Mar was seeking to marry Mr Tezcan. To prevent this, and to spare the hearts of every single person on the planet, Mr Tezcan and Cathy Von Elphberg agreed to marry one another. Yet this happy union should and could not last, as several forces moved to crush this joy. You heard that right dear readers, the Collier himself, the man, the myth, the legend, is not only a trainer of Swiss agents of death, but he is also the fury of the furries.
He sleeps with his squirrels and uses them to protect him in the night, he dresses a them too for training drills and he is always furious with those who would oppose Swiss expansion within the world. I call on all good people to march, topple the Swiss demon and then DECLARE WAR ON SWITZERLAND. That is all. You read it here first. Richard Hytholoday, calls everyone a spastic. EVERYONE. YOU ARE A SPASTIC.
Also, Richard Murdoch has now acquired ALL Sorrenian news outlets. I have discovered the monstrosity that is a plot to kill our Glorious Lord and Master, based Mar. This act of Maricide is being planned by the monstrous enemy of Mar and the Swiss protectors of good, Cathy Von Elphberg, Evil Queen of the Elves!
How do we know this spooki shiz? 'Cause we do. Using the Squirrel armies of the Swiss, we hope Mar can slay this heretic and ensure he spreads his word of eternal servitude to all Mankind, yet we must band together to slay this lip-syncing Elf Queen. Shock and horror today my good friends, I have discovered an elitist organisation that bans members for sharing news related to the community, namely, our good selves!
Who are these killers of joy? These censors of the facts? These un-godly heathens?!? MICRONATIONS AND ALTERNATIVE POLICIES. The monster machine of Cruickshank. He slaughters all who disagree and slaughters all who fight against the system! DOWN WITH CRUISHANK! MAR FOR LEADER! Shocking news today my readers! There is a sex scandal within Mercia, with Richard Hytholoday, the monster of the community, their hooded leader.
Hytholoday has taken many sex slaves throughout the community I have discovered, using bondage to keep them in line, including Mr Llewelyn Lawton and Mr Damian Billbrough. Something has to be done about this menace! How do we do this? We must, as a Community, band together, and banish this spawn of the darkness back into the Netherworld from whence he crawled out of Next time: Von Elphberg: The Evil Queen Elf Who Wants Mar dead? I have found out a most horrible and heinous crime today, my dear readership.
What do the Burnham Micropress, the Commonwealth Gazette and Regal Telecom all have in common? They're all ran by the same man. Richard Hytholoday. Now, why is this important? AS HE HAS ESTABLISHED A MEDIA EMPIRE! It isn't Rupert Murdoch. Its #RichardMurdoch Now, how are we to defeat this menace? *offscreen scuffle and Richard appears* Nothing. There is no conspiracy. Go back to your daily routine, my slaves. I mean....loyal readers. Next Time: S&M Sex Scanal: No Mercian is safe! Shock and horror today readership!
I was on my way to discover Klaassen-White was a maniac as long thought, with his glorious attack on the USSR state of Microflag. However, we have learned a shocking truth tonight. James Klaassen-White is a Martian. How did I discover this, you may question? I was following him through the woods of knowledge, when I saw him climb into a spaceship, where he rose into the air and gunned down a homeless fellow. I ran from there and vowed to take him down, but the C.I.A must be working for him as they dismissed it. Next time: Rupert Murdoch? More like RICHARD Murdoch! Today my dear readers, I believe that I have discovered the most important news story of all time.
I have discovered that Microflag is actually a satellite for the USSR, and is actually funding a return of the Soviet Union within Russia. How do we know all of this? As I said so. Next time: James Klaassen-White: Maniac or Martian? |
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