Shocking news today my fellow compadres.
I have discovered some of the most shocking facts. Al Ugarte is not really from Peru. "WHAT?!??!!" I hear you say, "What is he then?" Now I shall tell you. He is a moonkin, or Moonish, from the Moon. He is not of this world. But don't worry, Area 51 will get him, just you wait.
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People of the world! We have been told for far too long that Alexei Janiszewski is actually a slave under the control of one Marie Freiha. All attempts to free our glorious comrade have failed....until now. I have discovered shocking news...
Mrs Freiha doesn't exist. Alexei Janiszewski himself is to blame for all the sick and depraved acts he has perpetuated, including converting to Socialism, and attempting to spread ideas of freedom and liberty, the tools of Satan and the downfall of glorious Capitalism. However, we can defeat this SJW monster. All we need to do, is cut off his internet access, and it is scientifically proven that an SJW will shrivel and die once that happens. We need to stop his evil deeds before he imprisons us all in his sex dungeon. That is all. People's of the nation of Sorrenia. Obey your overlord and listen to the Glorious People's Republic's news bulletins.
Shock horror today my readers as I discovered one of the greatest secrets of history, one that I will almost certainly be killed for.
Miles Pressland does not exist. He is a fake. A fraud, a mask worn by another to commit evil deeds. Yes, Miles Pressland is really....MATTHEW BOLLANDS! How did I catch this tricky you ask? Well, that's another story, involving cable ties, ninja-esque skills and top notch bantaaaa, yet I managed to see that Matthew and Miles are one and the same. You notice how Miles and Matthew never comment at the same time? Hello! Obvious now, isn't it?!?!? I quickscoped this noob when I found out, saving us all from his evil. Next time: Janiszewski: Twisted Puppet Slave or Evil Puppet Master? Yes, dear reader. You read that correctly. Is Richard, our lovable CPS scamp in Sorrenia, really a talking watermelon?
"What ludicrous nonsense!" "What are you on?!" and "Waffle-cakes!" might all come to mind, but bear with me a moment. What shape is his head? It looks square. What is grown square in Japan? Watermelons. Hello! Obvious connection alert. Besides, his ideas in Sorrenia are a bit fruity anyway, but that's just a side note in all of this. To conclude, yes, he most assuredly is a watermelon with the uncanny ability to speak. Now, where is my watermelon core scraping device? I must examine this.... Coming Next Time: Miles or Matthew? The REAL President of Sorrenia |
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